Sometimes I really don't understand how people get motivation from others. First of all, I'm the kind who hates the idea of comparison. What others do or get or achieve is honestly none of my effing business. I'm happy for them if it's good for them but tbh it has absolutely nothing to do with my life. There's no need for me to be envious or jealous or for me to think they're better than me or that I'm better than them or whatever. With all respectfulness, wtf does any of it have anything to do with me? But hating the idea of comparison doesn't mean I don't do it. The thing is, it's all internal. I don't know how people get motivated by seeing other people's successes. I'm the kind who'll look at other people's successes and then look at myself in the mirror and go, "Yeah, I can't imagine doing all those invisible work behind those people's visible successes and therefore I deserve to not own any of those successe...

I don't understand adult friendships. How do people even make friends when they're adults? Aren't literally all friendships made when you're an adult a transactional one? Isn't there always some sort of ulterior motive behind every adult friendship anyway even if you think there isn't? Okay, granted, I didn't use to always think this way, but I keep proving myself wrong. First of all, I don't make friends the "traditional" way because I'm too introverted like that. I don't make the first move. I don't speak the first word. I don't say the first greeting. In fact, if people aren't the first to say hi to me, I can continue staying unseen for all of 4 years being tuition classmates without ever saying a word to my neighbour, let alone knowing any of their names or what they looked like. The only person I spoke to in that 4-year tuition class was the same teacher, and that was it. I sat in the front row right where the teacher s...

You know something's kinda messed up when you have to stop yourself from buying little gifts for the person you used to love and enjoy buying little gifts for. I guess you can kind of say that buying and giving little gifts are something like my love language. Not how I receive love, but how I show love to others. Granted, I don't like buying gifts for people out of obligation, such as during birthdays or Christmas, because there's a very huge stress layer to that. I'm not talking about that kind of gift-giving. I'm talking about the kind where I just come across something in the wild that reminds me of a person, whether it was their favourite character, or something they recently said they didn't have or lacked, or something I thought they would like just because it fit well into their routine or aesthetics. The kind where there's absolutely no reason for gifting anyone anything, but I do it anyway because I'm excited to share it with those people. If i...

I never thought I'd have so many things to say at once but it felt better after I blabbed it all out the last time so maybe it's going to work this time as well. Idk, one can only hope. And it's this. See, I'm the eldest sibling in the family with a younger sister like 3/4 of a decade younger than me. And what's the most natural thing I'd always hear growing up as an older sister? "You're the older sibling. You should let your younger sibling have it." Or, more accurately, 你是姐姐。你就该让让你妹妹啊。 I don't know how many countless times I've heard that and had it drilled into my head that yes I am the older sibling, yes I'm the more blessed one, yes I'm the more responsible one, yes I'm the more mature one, and hence, I should always give in to her and yadda yadda yadda. I'm not saying it's wrong per se. Diff parents and families have diff upbringing. I'm just describing my experiences. And for the longest time ever, I lived by...

I guess I'm going to have to admit that life itself is taking a toll on me. Okay fine, everyone has their hardship and life takes a toll on everyone in whichever ways. But I feel like I'm getting to my wit's end at this point. And that's not a safe space to be. Especially when I'm alone in my head in the middle of the night with no one to talk to. And it's not like I can just unload any of this onto someone just because it's heavy af and I don't see the need to trouble others when they're already having their own. But. I feel... useless. Maybe in terms of finance and in terms of... filial piety? Back when I was working an office job and juggling freelance, my income was more than comfortable for me to take care of the rent and utilities and savings and still have a decent amount to splurge on life. But I was so tied up at work and it eventually turned into a hostile environment later on (we'll open that can of worms another day) and after weighin...

I'm a little envious of people who get to do aegyo with the people around without having to fear judgement. Hear me out. It never really occurred to me until I read a line somewhere, and it went something like this: "If a woman acts like a little girl around you, that means she feels secure with you. If she acts like a mother around you, that means you're the childish one." Obviously paraphrased, and obviously it was meant for the men out there imo. But it also got me thinking. Huh. So women actually do get to act like little kids around their men and not fear being judged? And they also get indulged in that kind of behaviour? Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against aegyo. I love aegyo. I think aegyo is cute af. And I personally think that I have a lot of natural aegyo, if I may say so myself. But I seldom show it to the people around me. After reading that (paraphrased) line, it suddenly struck me that maybe I never really did aegyo with anyone because I never...

So I've been sick. Quite terribly. The kind where it's like the 5th day since feeling unwell and you're still feverish kind of sick. The 2nd doc just diagnosed me yesterday with bacterial infection and started me on antibiotics just yesterday, again, and I realise that I'm not feverish when the antibiotics are working. That's fine, that's cool. I just need to get my meds down and then I'd feel less sick. Though getting up early in the morning for food just to eat these "After Food" pills is proving to be a bit of a challenge at the moment. But you know what really is the challenge here, for someone as J as me? Figuring out whether "after food" means: 1. I must have some amount of food in my stomach before taking these pills; or, 2. I'm not allowed to eat anymore after taking these pills because you can only take them after  you're done eating. So a regular google search tells me that it's actually the first, that as long as I ...

I'd been having so many things on my mind lately, things that I can't exactly say in public or at work, things I can't really talk to my parents about, things I can't blast on IG for reasons, and also things that are just more musings than actual thoughts that I kinda need to get out of my system. Never thought I'd actually remember that I still have a blog, which is exactly where all my midnight musings could go. Heck, it's even right there in my description. I guess it's about time I made a comeback here then. My unfiltered thoughts (maybe filtered just a little). But at least I'd have an outlet somewhere. Kinda. It's about time this blog made a comeback lol. Let's go.

人人都有梦想。为什么我没有？ 想回去真的觉得很奇怪。 整个世界都在鼓励你要有梦想，有梦想才有未来。要给生命来个计划计划，想像自己每隔五年都会处在人生的什么阶段。 有的人早熟，有的人迟点儿才开花。重点是，要！有！梦！想！ 而我，整天就是为这话题而感到无比烦恼。 实话实说，我人生的计划就停留了在读大学的期间。 从小一直被灌输，读书读好来，考试考好来，成绩好才可以上大学读自己想读的科系。所以，我敢说我自小都很努力读书，就是为了可以考入心目中的大学，拿到喜欢的系列，这样毕业以后才能够顺利找到喜欢的工作。喜欢自己的工作就等于不在工作，而是在享受。 所以，我小时候的梦想就是要考上大学。 2018年5月，虽然还没正式毕业，但我已经完成了实习期间，开始了无从事业的正式“失业者”。 虽然读者大学的时候一直对自己说该开始计划人生的下个十年了，可是我读着大众媒体科系，问了几百个人的意见，个个都说读大众媒体的人可放心了，毕业以后个个事业都行得通！不用怕没工作！ 也许是我自己比较少有主见，想着毕业以后船到桥头自然直嘛，不必那么操心，既然什么工作都可以做就放心了，总之没有饿死就好。 工作嘛，我也不知道我以后做的功会是什么，我也控制不了，算了还是别浪费力气了。 “毕业后要做什么工？” “不懂，看哪里请就那里做呗。” 果然，第一份工很顺利就找到了，也做了整年半。以为我的人生就这样可以平稳至少个5年了，谁知道公司经济有问题，还不到2年在职的我就被裁了。 突然感到人生很迷茫。 被公司裁员根本就是意料之外啊！怎么没有人告诉我，我以前读书那么好，考试成绩那么好，做工做到那么好也会有无端端被裁的一天？ 我太傻太天真。 本来，我计划好人生的下个5年，全泡汤了。 过后病毒疫情又发生了，找工实在是难上加难。 现在站回自己的立场上，觉得以前的自己除了很蠢以外还是很蠢。 别人的梦想是比较大型的，好像有个完整的人生目标似的，然后为了达到他们的人生目标就会怎么做怎么做。 而我呢，就想来想去，根本想不到我的人生要来干什么，自然就不会说要在几岁几岁之前做什么当什么，感觉现在的我就是有点得过且过，没有饿死自己，有点儿储蓄就可以了。 对我而言，我的梦想是妄想，因为我根本不相信自己竟可能达到自己想要的目标。 小学时期，我曾想当科学家。 中学时期，我曾想当博客家、钢琴手、音乐家、作家。 大学时期，我曾想当摄影员、剪辑、编辑、经纪人。...