你是姐姐……

I never thought I'd have so many things to say at once but it felt better after I blabbed it all out the last time so maybe it's going to work this time as well. Idk, one can only hope.

And it's this.

See, I'm the eldest sibling in the family with a younger sister like 3/4 of a decade younger than me. And what's the most natural thing I'd always hear growing up as an older sister?

"You're the older sibling. You should let your younger sibling have it."

Or, more accurately, 你是姐姐。你就该让让你妹妹啊。

I don't know how many countless times I've heard that and had it drilled into my head that yes I am the older sibling, yes I'm the more blessed one, yes I'm the more responsible one, yes I'm the more mature one, and hence, I should always give in to her and yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not saying it's wrong per se. Diff parents and families have diff upbringing. I'm just describing my experiences.

And for the longest time ever, I lived by that "rule" like it was my bible. If I saw something nice, I'd think of buying it for her. If I ate something good, I'd want to get it for her. If we both liked the same thing, I'd share it with her. If there was the last piece of our fav candy, I'd give it to her. If we fought, I'd be the one making it up to her. If we got into a disagreement, I'd be the one breaking the silence first.

Because I was the older sibling. The mature one. The sensible one. The responsible one. The one who should always know better. The one who kept the peace at home. The one who knew exactly what to do so things wouldn't go awry.

And I hadn't really minded it at first. I was a total simp and a goner for her. I used to love her and adore her so much that I genuinely didn't mind letting her have most of the good stuff while I settled for second best. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Maybe we all did. But I'm not going to go any further into that. It's not about her.

It's about me.

Some things changed drastically last year, and we're kind of in a no-contact relationship so far. The parents are aware of it and I kinda guess they also understand why even though I know they're still in denial of it, but long story short, relationships soured, and I don't even talk to her anymore.

Thank god we live separately. 

But I still talk to my parents and have them over for meals. And I think that incident just happened because of dinner one day.

Wow that was a lot of preface.

I'd made ABC soup for dinner for Mom and I, and then Dad dropped by unexpectedly. I'd only put in two chicken drumsticks for the soup because none of us were expecting him, and Mom had already finished like 80% of her chicken drumstick while I'd saved it for last. So I decided to split it in half to share it with Dad. Fair enough. I didn't think it was a big deal and just continued eating. There was enough rice and soup otherwise to go around. Just not the drumsticks.

But Dad absolutely refused to eat his portion of the drumstick and insisted on taking it back home to her because she liked ABC soup as well.

Honestly speaking, I had kind of expected that they would want to bring extra soup back for her and I had the containers waiting in the cabinet. But for some reason, the fact that Dad insisted on saving half of his halved chicken drumstick I gave him just blew my fuse, and it turned into a half argument. 

I wanted him to have the drumstick. I wanted him to finish it because it was actually barely two bites. But no, he insisted on saving them for her. And knowing her track record of always refusing nearly 90% of stuff we thought she'd like or want, I told Dad that she wouldn't want it and tried to get him to finish the chicken. He still wouldn't. And then I lost it. 

I honestly don't remember anything I said apart from the fact that I was yelling and sobbing, not in anger but in frustration, because I was trying to be nice to my parents, but they're channeling my niceness toward her instead, when I didn't want her to be on the receiving end of my niceness. Call me selfish or whatever, but I was very deeply hurt, and I guess it was right at that moment when all of my grievances just poured out like a dam.

And then my parents said it.

“你是姐姐，你要让你妹妹啊。”

Seriously.

去你妈的。

Why is that it's always the older sibling getting hurt and still having to apologise for it? Why can't the older sibling just be spoiled at home too? Why did everyone think that it was a given that older siblings should be more forgiving and tolerant and magnanimous, just because they were born first?

We have feelings too, you know?

I can be the older one, the more responsible one, and the more sensible one, while still having the right to feel small and hurt and not have to apologise first every time no matter who was in the wrong.

I didn't care how my parents treated her or continued spoiling her because that's their business. But I didn't like it that my niceness was being passed over to her when I had absolutely no intention of doing it.

And I had even planned to give her the soup, with plenty of other ingredients left in it, in the first place!

But at this point it wasn't about the soup or the meat anymore.

After getting all my grievances out (and of course shedding tears because them tear ducts never listen to me), I still packed up the last of the soup, and the meat, and put it in the plastic container in a plastic bag for him to bring back to her.

Dad asked me why I was still doing that despite me making it clear earlier that I wasn't passing down my kindness to her anymore.

I just said that it was because he told me to. I guess I should have worded it better. I really meant to say that I didn't want to do it, but if they wanted me to do it, I still would, albeit a little reluctantly. Maybe it's the people-pleasing tendency in me. Maybe it's coz I can't say no to my parents. Maybe it's coz I felt sorry for losing control of my emotions. Whatever.

And then of course, she sends a text message later to them saying that she wasn't coming home for dinner.

Soup goes back into my fridge. One plastic container successfully wasted.

Things go back to normal.

Or so I thought.

Like, just a few days ago, I came across a Reel on IG where the girl was asking her boyfriend to complete the second half of the sentences her parents often said to her that were mostly derogatory or hurtful.

And one of it was, “你是姐姐……”

And the boyfriend replied, “……你应该被尊重。”

I nearly cried.

是啊。我是姐姐。我应该被尊重。

我的感情也应该被尊重。

我的情绪也应该被尊重。

我的喜好也应该被尊重。

我的人也应该被尊重。

Nobody ever said that to me before. Heck, I never felt any of it before.

I never felt like I was respected as an older sibling. No matter what happened, I was the one always expected to make the sacrifice. The first to kowtow. The first to apologise. Be it setting a good example or being a good role model or just being more forgiving--no. None of that happened. The only thing that happened was that it taught the younger sibling that the older sibling would always take the brunt of the fall and trained the younger sibling that she could walk all over the older sibling without having to face any consequences.

Because the older sibling would have absorbed enough of the damage and embarrassment and awkwardness by then to cushion everything.

And that was when it dawned on me.

I daresay that I had done my best to be as loving and forgiving and accommodating as the older sibling as I possibly could, to the point of even minimising my own feelings to make her feel better. It's always at the expense of myself, but I never gave much thought to it coz it was already drilled into my bones at that point.

But still.

I was never shown any respect in that relationship.

I had never been shown any respect in that relationship.

Maybe that's why it stung so damn badly when that Reel played on my algorithm.

我根本没有被尊重过。

Whether as an older sibling or as a person.

None. Nada. 전혀 없어요.

And the only reason why I finally severed things between us was because I had finally learned to set boundaries for myself and allowed myself to heal.

I can't say that I've healed much but I'm genuinely happier without her around and I feel more confident doing things, so maybe I have. Just, very little. But it was a start.

And then a few days later, literally yesterday, the same line appeared in my gig work and somewhat triggered me again, making me think of the Reel and the soup incident and needing to finally get everything off my chest right now.

你是哥哥。你就该让让你弟弟啊。

I guess it's a Chinese thing after all (?) Idk don't come after me if I'm wrong. And I don't want to blame my parents for this because tbh it was advice that worked well until it didn't. And maybe they never thought that much about the implications and how much hurt and resentment that one single line would bring.

I don't know if I'm still considered a good daughter or a good sister anymore after the falling out with her. I just know that I have to stop letting others abuse myself, and if that means cutting someone off... even if it's family... so be it.

我也应该被尊重。

我值得被尊重。