how to spiral 101

Sometimes I really don't understand how people get motivation from others.

First of all, I'm the kind who hates the idea of comparison. What others do or get or achieve is honestly none of my effing business. I'm happy for them if it's good for them but tbh it has absolutely nothing to do with my life. There's no need for me to be envious or jealous or for me to think they're better than me or that I'm better than them or whatever. With all respectfulness, wtf does any of it have anything to do with me?

But hating the idea of comparison doesn't mean I don't do it. The thing is, it's all internal.

I don't know how people get motivated by seeing other people's successes. I'm the kind who'll look at other people's successes and then look at myself in the mirror and go, "Yeah, I can't imagine doing all those invisible work behind those people's visible successes and therefore I deserve to not own any of those successes". It makes sense right? I'm not envious of them because I know a lot of hard work goes in behind the scenes and those don't appeal to me. I can't see myself toiling away for 5 years just for that moment of glory. So I don't do it. Fair. Easy. End of the story.

Except I begin questioning myself why. If other people can do it, that means I should be able to do it, but since I'm not willing to do it, that means there's something wrong with myself. And therefore every successful person I see reminds me of my useless self just because I chose not to step in their path (?)

So instead of feeling motivated by other people's success, I eventually spiral into depression because of it. And tbh it's not their problem, it's mine. I deserve to feel this because I'm not interested in putting in as much effort as them. And therefore I naturally don't expect myself to turn out anything like them. And this is when I realise I'm a shitty hypocritical human being and therefore should remain secluded in my cave for the rest of my life.

The worst part is knowing exactly where the problem is but not being mentally or psychologically strong enough to fight it.

And of course, I know I deserve this.

Maybe that's why I've always been a pessimistic person. Or maybe this pessimism is the reason why I end up thinking like this.

Anyhoo.

Idek why I'm doing this. I don't need anyone's pity.

Maybe I want someone to care enough to pull me out of this mental state, but of course I'm going to still be obstinately shooting them down because I'm terrified of change and even though I want people to change my mind and prove me wrong but ehh not even my parents have managed to do that and I understand it's because I'm a difficult prick and of course I don't deserve to even think that anyone would care enough to do this because who would want to voluntarily deal with a difficult prick like me right.

Because if I'm not even helping myself then how can I possibly expect other people to help me right.

Because motivation comes from within right.

Because people who don't help themselves don't deserve to be helped right.

Because everyone's patience has to have a limit right.

It's alright. It's all right.

How did I even end up pivoting here.

I was the one who made every decision in my life so of course I deserve everything coming my way :D

Aite time to spiral :)