i have a physical pebbling problem (?)

You know something's kinda messed up when you have to stop yourself from buying little gifts for the person you used to love and enjoy buying little gifts for.

I guess you can kind of say that buying and giving little gifts are something like my love language. Not how I receive love, but how I show love to others. Granted, I don't like buying gifts for people out of obligation, such as during birthdays or Christmas, because there's a very huge stress layer to that. I'm not talking about that kind of gift-giving.

I'm talking about the kind where I just come across something in the wild that reminds me of a person, whether it was their favourite character, or something they recently said they didn't have or lacked, or something I thought they would like just because it fit well into their routine or aesthetics. The kind where there's absolutely no reason for gifting anyone anything, but I do it anyway because I'm excited to share it with those people. If it's close enough to their birthdays or Christmas, I might wait until the occasion to give it to them, but on the most part, I just give it to them when I see them next.

I mean, I don't really think much about these random purchases. It's just the way I am. I like buying stuff for other people, especially if it reminded me of them. All year-round. And I technically don't really have a budget for it. They usually happen on a whim, and the budget just depends on how much disposable income I happen to have that day or that month.

So, it's hard for me to actually purposely buy something for someone, just because, or if they never told me what they really liked (I believe it's called a token...? A shortcut token? Something like that lol) and literally nothing reminds me of them when I'm out and about in the wild, wild malls.

But, like...

On the flip side, if every other thing I see reminds me of someone, and I have the urge and impulse to buy it for them, but I have to stop and sternly tell myself to walk away and not buy/do anything for them anymore because I know they would never appreciate it and even find it annoying or expected anyway... It's just... twisted.

Yeah, I know I made the decision to walk away and keep my space safe, for me, because they were destroying me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but that doesn't make the decision to leave any easier.

I'd cried in the past, wondering if I was a bad person for disliking them, even lowering myself to their level so that they'd accept me, but in return, all I got was spite and disrespect.

I was so done being disrespected, so I walked away.

But after living under the same roof with them for like, 25 years of my life, it's really hard to get rid of old habits, especially if the habits have been nurtured since them. I know a lot about them. But I also don't know a lot about them.

Maybe I'd been wrong all along. Maybe I never knew what they liked or lacked all along. Maybe that's why they never liked anything I got for them. Maybe that's why they found me annoying.

I wasn't even asking for anything in return, except maybe a smile or a "thank you" or just some sort of proof that I got the things right.

Ah.

Validation.

Wait I'm only realising this as I'm typing things out.

I guess pouring out my feelings really does help figuring things out for myself huh.

So, I'd been seeking validation from them all along.

I guess that's another bad habit of mine I need to weed out. I gotta stop expecting validation in return. Otherwise, I'm just going to keep getting hurt.

Wow.

As if I never knew that was a problem I always had lol. 

I knew all along that I always sought validation from other people. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be the reliable friend. I wanted to the the daughter my parents would be proud of.

I was always so, so worried about other people's perception of me just in case it wasn't the best part of myself that I could have presented to them. 

Ah.

Performative anxiety (?)

I'm getting so many epiphanies today.

But yeah my parents have always told me to stop worrying about other people's opinions because they don't matter, but hey, guess what, it's always easier said than done, especially if the habit's been engraved into my bones since the start of my memory. I don't really know why I have to be so performative and people-pleasing all the time. Why do I keep wanting people to like me and accept me?

I shall be waiting for that to dawn on me later on.

So back to the topic.

I guess I'm still going to have to keep stopping myself from having the urge to immediately buy stuff or instinctively do things that I think they would like (or not, like I said, I guess I don't really know them that well anymore). The instinct is real, but I need to remind myself to step back because there's no use sticking a hot face to a cold butt. Ha.

What's the point, right?

Tbh, now that I think of it, I can remember plenty of instances when they even specifically told me what they liked or wanted, and I got it for them, and then two days later I would see it gathering dust in a forgotten pile for years on after that. Or, strewn in a corner and left to be eaten by moths. Or, even worse, completely lost and nowhere to be found.

Just, maybe that says more about them as a person than it does about my always getting their preferences wrong, huh.

Idk, idc. 

I'm not going to stop buying random little gifts for the people I genuinely like anyway. I just needed a place to rant and get it off my chest.

And all because I just stumbled upon something on Lazada the old me would have thought they liked and immediately bought for them.

That epiphany ain't coming to me after all, hmm.

Actually, I think I know the reason, but I'm not going to open that can of worms here.

That's enough ranting for today... for now.

I think.