I'm a little envious of people who get to do aegyo with the people around without having to fear judgement. Hear me out. It never really occurred to me until I read a line somewhere, and it went something like this: "If a woman acts like a little girl around you, that means she feels secure with you. If she acts like a mother around you, that means you're the childish one." Obviously paraphrased, and obviously it was meant for the men out there imo. But it also got me thinking. Huh. So women actually do get to act like little kids around their men and not fear being judged? And they also get indulged in that kind of behaviour? Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against aegyo. I love aegyo. I think aegyo is cute af. And I personally think that I have a lot of natural aegyo, if I may say so myself. But I seldom show it to the people around me. After reading that (paraphrased) line, it suddenly struck me that maybe I never really did aegyo with anyone because I never...

So I've been sick. Quite terribly. The kind where it's like the 5th day since feeling unwell and you're still feverish kind of sick. The 2nd doc just diagnosed me yesterday with bacterial infection and started me on antibiotics just yesterday, again, and I realise that I'm not feverish when the antibiotics are working. That's fine, that's cool. I just need to get my meds down and then I'd feel less sick. Though getting up early in the morning for food just to eat these "After Food" pills is proving to be a bit of a challenge at the moment. But you know what really is the challenge here, for someone as J as me? Figuring out whether "after food" means: 1. I must have some amount of food in my stomach before taking these pills; or, 2. I'm not allowed to eat anymore after taking these pills because you can only take them after  you're done eating. So a regular google search tells me that it's actually the first, that as long as I ...

I'd been having so many things on my mind lately, things that I can't exactly say in public or at work, things I can't really talk to my parents about, things I can't blast on IG for reasons, and also things that are just more musings than actual thoughts that I kinda need to get out of my system. Never thought I'd actually remember that I still have a blog, which is exactly where all my midnight musings could go. Heck, it's even right there in my description. I guess it's about time I made a comeback here then. My unfiltered thoughts (maybe filtered just a little). But at least I'd have an outlet somewhere. Kinda. It's about time this blog made a comeback lol. Let's go.

人人都有梦想。为什么我没有？ 想回去真的觉得很奇怪。 整个世界都在鼓励你要有梦想，有梦想才有未来。要给生命来个计划计划，想像自己每隔五年都会处在人生的什么阶段。 有的人早熟，有的人迟点儿才开花。重点是，要！有！梦！想！ 而我，整天就是为这话题而感到无比烦恼。 实话实说，我人生的计划就停留了在读大学的期间。 从小一直被灌输，读书读好来，考试考好来，成绩好才可以上大学读自己想读的科系。所以，我敢说我自小都很努力读书，就是为了可以考入心目中的大学，拿到喜欢的系列，这样毕业以后才能够顺利找到喜欢的工作。喜欢自己的工作就等于不在工作，而是在享受。 所以，我小时候的梦想就是要考上大学。 2018年5月，虽然还没正式毕业，但我已经完成了实习期间，开始了无从事业的正式“失业者”。 虽然读者大学的时候一直对自己说该开始计划人生的下个十年了，可是我读着大众媒体科系，问了几百个人的意见，个个都说读大众媒体的人可放心了，毕业以后个个事业都行得通！不用怕没工作！ 也许是我自己比较少有主见，想着毕业以后船到桥头自然直嘛，不必那么操心，既然什么工作都可以做就放心了，总之没有饿死就好。 工作嘛，我也不知道我以后做的功会是什么，我也控制不了，算了还是别浪费力气了。 “毕业后要做什么工？” “不懂，看哪里请就那里做呗。” 果然，第一份工很顺利就找到了，也做了整年半。以为我的人生就这样可以平稳至少个5年了，谁知道公司经济有问题，还不到2年在职的我就被裁了。 突然感到人生很迷茫。 被公司裁员根本就是意料之外啊！怎么没有人告诉我，我以前读书那么好，考试成绩那么好，做工做到那么好也会有无端端被裁的一天？ 我太傻太天真。 本来，我计划好人生的下个5年，全泡汤了。 过后病毒疫情又发生了，找工实在是难上加难。 现在站回自己的立场上，觉得以前的自己除了很蠢以外还是很蠢。 别人的梦想是比较大型的，好像有个完整的人生目标似的，然后为了达到他们的人生目标就会怎么做怎么做。 而我呢，就想来想去，根本想不到我的人生要来干什么，自然就不会说要在几岁几岁之前做什么当什么，感觉现在的我就是有点得过且过，没有饿死自己，有点儿储蓄就可以了。 对我而言，我的梦想是妄想，因为我根本不相信自己竟可能达到自己想要的目标。 小学时期，我曾想当科学家。 中学时期，我曾想当博客家、钢琴手、音乐家、作家。 大学时期，我曾想当摄影员、剪辑、编辑、经纪人。...

They say that change is the only constant of life. And yet, after living 25 years of my life, I've still yet to adapt to it. Let's start from the beginning. "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm pretty sure that we have all been asked this question since the day we could talk. Back then when we were innocent little blabbermouths with a wild imagination, we'd probably have answered 'teacher!', 'astronaut!', 'firefighter!' and for those of us from privileged Chinese households, 'doctor!' or 'lawyer!' seemed the only acceptable choices. I remember growing up that my first ever ambition (that I can remember) was to be a scientist. A little backstory: not to toot my own horn, but I used to be one of the top students in my primary school years, I'd say probably for all 6 years of it. But then again, it was a relatively small kampung school in the middle of nowhere so I probably didn't have a l...

Sometimes, you just think that life has something against you and throws a bunch of shit in your face because it just can. Life can be shit. At times, perhaps, although I'd like to think that I have had a pretty shit-free life in my 22 years of existence, therefore all the bad things are starting to happen at the same time, simultaneously. Or, I've always had shit on me but I've been too busy trying to ignore them. Things get pretty swell when you're as clumsy as I am. Don't believe me? I stepped on a twig and sprained my right ankle for the umpteenth time. Even my mom laughed when I told her I hurt myself because of a twig. I had to justify that it was a pretty big twig, perhaps even a branch, on the road, that I didn't see, and I made history. History for the biggest, clumsiest oaf of potato to ever live on the planet. I paid RM23 for a pair of ankle supports because I knew that if I let myself just continue to hobble on my broken leg, I might as well go l...

今天来说说肥婆的故事。 哎呀可是肥婆又不是说很肥很肥那种，只是肚腩大一点、手臂粗一点、体重大一点、BMI 刚刚好超过了正常的一点点。 可是她从小就被别人叫肥婆了。 小时候很爱吃肉不爱吃菜，结果给人留下的印象就是， 你肥因为你只吃肉不吃菜 。 其实她上中学时已经很少吃肉了，菜也喜欢吃多一点了，只是他们看不出。 因为她也很喜欢吃饭。从小每餐都吃三两碗饭。 结果给人家讲， 你肥因为你是饭桶 。 其实她上中学时已经吃很少饭了，妹妹吃的远远比她吃的饭还要多一两倍，可是他们又看不出。 因为她不喜欢运动。结果给人家讲， 你肥因为你不运动 。 其实她小学时是赛跑选手，跨栏选手，中学时也是抛铅球选手，也很喜欢跳舞。只是小六的时候扭伤了右脚，中二的时候扭伤左脚，从那天以后不能再有激烈运动了。 可是他们又看不到。 小肥婆一直以来都相信别人说她肥因为不吃菜、吃太多饭、不运动。 长大以后才知道为什么自己虽然改变了生活习惯还是减不到肥，那就是基因的问题。 她的父母虽然不胖，但一方的家族有肥胖的基因，就是那种很容易一个不小心就长胖了一两公斤的情况。 可是他们不相信，因为他们说妹妹很瘦呀，你在说什么肥胖基因？ 其实妹妹很幸运没有肥胖基因而有另一方的基因，就是吃来吃去都吃不肥的那种。再加上妹妹还在发育期，我怎么说也不能赢。 算了，其实肥婆虽然很介意别人一直在叫她肥婆，可是讲出来又会被说小气，反正肥胖应该是自己的错吧，谁叫自己小的时候没有好好照顾健康？所以就咬着牙根和别人一起拿自己来开玩笑，好像完全接受了自己是胖子的事实。别人却不知道，每一次听到自己被叫肥婆的时候是多么的想躲在房间一个人哭。 别人说啊，你人很漂亮啊，为什么不减减肥看？一定会有很多追求者的。 你这意思就是说，肥人就是没人追吗？ 总之当埋怨为何没有拍拖的时候，就是因为她很肥。 她很想相信男生是没有那么肤浅的吧，可是为什么就是要让她难堪，而证明她所相信的其实就是废话？ 就连每次与朋友们出街买衣服的时候，时常因为买不到自己的尺码而伤心，就再被朋友插一刀，说她减肥的话就可以穿小码了。 然后她又要当作没事发生，把衣服放回架上去，跟朋友们继续开玩笑。 你们以为减肥很容...

I write usually when I'm feeling emotional, but I guess that moment's come to pass. I've not been feeling myself lately. Everything felt like havoc and I was stuck right in the middle of the tornado with no means of escape. Too many things happening to me at once, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I was tired, and I'm still far from recovery. Throughout these few months, ever since the new semester started, I'd only just come to the realization that not all humans are good people. In fact, good people don't really exist, because everyone has a dark side to them, it all only depends on whether or not they decide to show it to you. Including me, but I was too naiive to still believe that such people do exist. They turn out to be only a figment of my imagination. Under every movement, every decision, every sentence... there's always this underlying motive behind them. Or a hidden knife. Or gun. I'd bee...