The point of no return

I write usually when I'm feeling emotional, but I guess that moment's come to pass.

I've not been feeling myself lately. Everything felt like havoc and I was stuck right in the middle of the tornado with no means of escape.

Too many things happening to me at once, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I was tired, and I'm still far from recovery.

Throughout these few months, ever since the new semester started, I'd only just come to the realization that not all humans are good people.

In fact, good people don't really exist, because everyone has a dark side to them, it all only depends on whether or not they decide to show it to you.

Including me, but I was too naiive to still believe that such people do exist.

They turn out to be only a figment of my imagination.

Under every movement, every decision, every sentence... there's always this underlying motive behind them. Or a hidden knife. Or gun.

I'd been stabbed in the heart too many times by these ostensibly good people with sugar-coated words. Or, maybe I was simply too blind, too naiive, too innocent and too stubborn to admit that the facades weren't the truth.

I broke down too many times over a span of a month.

Being stabbed twice in a row and then finding solace in a third situation but seeing the true colours behind each mask and getting betrayed once again.

I'm starting to see things I never knew were there. Things I never thought could exist. Things I never, ever, wanted to see.

The ugly side of humanity I didn't want to acknowledge.

Because I still had the faith that good people existed.

But I was wrong.

The last straw was when my final resort, a place where I thought I'd find comfort, turned hostile.

I'm sorry if my definition does not match the majority, but understanding from my point of view where I was brought up in a strictly guarded and protected environment, yes, that is hostile. Probably rude. Maybe a little too fired up. Perhaps uncalled for.

I cry easily because I have little to no control over my emotions. I've been working on it, and I want to believe that I am now a lot stronger than before.

But not crying physically does not mean that I'm not crying internally.

If you could see my heart right now, it's already slashed to ribbons.

Years and years of being a 'yes-girl', for fear of offending others and disrupting the peace... does this to a person. Yet if I can't execute it beautifully, everything is my fault because I promised to take it up in the first place.

I think I'm a greedy person. Not by choice, but simply because I can't seem to say no to requests. But when I'm tired and want to call it quits, I'm labelled as selfish, unwilling to cooperate, anti-social, and other garbage.

I'm sick and tired of it all.

Huge events clashing with one another and having to divide myself between the tasks I promised to take up in each of the events. Yet missing opportunities on the few things I actually, really do want to learn for myself.

I try hard not to go back on promises but when I have to, I have my reasons. I don't do it simply because I have a spite against anybody.

And when I prioritize one event over the others, I feel the pressure from the other events as well.

Makes we want to quit everything altogether.

Let me lead a quiet and unpertubed life in the four walls of my room.

I'm taking way too long to recover from last time. In fact, I think I've lost interest in just about everything I do.

I face people problems, assignments problems, project problems every day. I'm tired of life.

Can I please stay at home forever?

I don't want to go out and face the world.

It's scary out there.

People wear masks in and out.

I don't know how to tell fake people apart from the real ones.

I don't want to grow up.

I'm tired.

Find myself, they say. It's not the point of no return yet. Small steps, baby steps. Find the passion I used to have and reignite it. Overcome everything because I can.

I still want to believe that good triumphs over evil.

That humanity still exists.

Cliche, but I can't help it.

I face the world the best and only way I know how.

Escape.

偽りの世界　いつからだろう

知りたくもない　ただもう忘れたい